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Psychic Medium, Relationship Expert and Healer

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Do I leave my husband for my boyfriend?

Category: FREE Advice on your problems

Hi there,

I understand that Beth Shepherd the psychic has been around a long time so decided to visit her website for tarot and agony aunt stuff.  It's amazing what you can find online now. It was not that long ago that I found out that my husband is gay, well at least he is bisexual, hard to say and he refuses to talk about it and explain himself.  Found a lot of porn on  his computer and messages on his phone. He is not a communicative or emotional man anyway. He told me that he is keen on looking at photos of guys but would never meet them, but hey ho found three messages where he was trying to arrange local meets with guys.  He insists he loves me and does not want us to end. This is where different agony aunts will say different things, different tarot card readers and psychics and clairvoyants will say different things. That is fine with me. But please tell me when you reply what your qualifications and experience are in this type of thing so I know whether or not to take any notice of you!  There are loads of amateurs out there who say they can be good at being an agony aunt but who are clueless, just clueless, one of them is my friend Fiona, she says do this and do that and gets it all wrong, her own life is in a total mess, so why would I listen to her? She is great to offload onto and we sometimes play around with clairvoyance and tarot and crystal ball readings and stuff together but we would never ever get to the point of taking her seriously and believing she is right.  Her own husband left her a few months ago and she is clueless as to how to handle it or how to get him back.  

The thing is that I was not that keen on my husband before all this, we had got pregnant and had a baby but that does not mean that I wanted to be with him forever, so this would be the perfect excuse to dump him, blaming him because he lied and sneaked around and wanted guys!

The only thing is that we own a house together (well some of it, the bank owns most of it) and it would be hard for me as I would then have to get a proper paid job and earn money - that is the worst of it. For three years I've been able to be totally a stay at home mom and just do what I want with a lot of time to do fun stuff and ring friends and stuff.  Not into work.

My boyfriend is not working and does not want to, we have a great time together, but he has a lot of debts and struggles to pay his rent.

Think I would make a good agony aunt or psychic myself. What do you reckon? It would pay well and I would be able to get a good handle on my own stuff when listening to others.  Have dabbled with the crystal ball and tarot cards and am very good at understanding others. Nothing gets past me.


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Liza Joshua Says:
Hello there...

Sorry about what is happening to you and having to deal with this. Everyone deserves a happy life and achieve their goals. you stated clearly that you wanted to know my professional background so that you are well advised whether to take my counsel or not. Well here it is, I am counselling psychologist by profession I have gone to school for this and I am continuing with a masters in counselling psychology right now just to mention for you. So your case as i have said is saddening, but it looks like the two of you have something you are holding onto, you want to leave because you were not really into the relationship in the first place so that is a reason for you to leave but you do not have an income, you stay at home. He is also struggling financially and emotionally he does not want to leave you. Look, you need to first sort this issue of finances, you say work is not your thing but you have a child and you want to leave your house. Who will take care of you right now my dear? Who will take good care of your child? ok. you have said you want to try out as an agony aunt but it is still work like any other, you use your mind and energy. Besides that how sure are you of immediate absorption into the work force. It takes time to establish yourself for any serious work.

It is best to get out of your comfort zone and face life. How many people are working two three jobs to make ends meet, believe me they are not any different from you. They have taken it apon themselves to face life with its challenges not matter what their body tells them they say no to it. So you can say no to your body and wake up from sleep. Time is not on your side. You do not know what will turn out with your husband, both of you have no income. NO... Get something going as you even look out into being an agony aunt. You can begin small with whatever you have don't be afraid of anyone or anything and become you best self. Most preferably a job somewhere if not a business. But if you chose a business well and good it just may require more to start than job where you can start save and venture out if you like. All is not lost for you because you are well able to pick yourself up from where you are make something for yourself.

As for leaving your husband... this is not the right time because you are not ready to stand on your own, and also you can seek divine intervention for him. If you are the type that prays to Maker pray for your husband and speak what you want to see in him, in your closet first for a start though and carefully handle him because he is a human being and he is free to choose what he wants. He wants to stay with you and you have evidence that he is gay but alteast bisexual, do you really want to leave him? if yes get ready for the whole process and own it but first look out for something to do now! Then you can have the muscle to walk out, you do not want to be a burden to anyone as an adult.

Rae-In-London Says:
Dear Julie,

It seems like you may be looking for a way out to your marriage? If that is the case, don't make money a factor in taking away from your happiness. Your husband's possible infidelities with men indicate a lack of interest in the marriage. I would advise telling him straight up to be honest with his feelings and the situation at hand- you're his wife and if he wants this marriage telling you how he feels is the least he should do!

You expressed that you felt you were never going to be with him forever so it may be a sign to let him know that this 'till death do you part' isn't up your street.

You yourself have a boyfriend so your own infidelities should be a clear indicator of a want out of your marriage, if you're looking towards other men your husband clearly isn't husband material for you.

But your own boyfriend doesn't seem to fit the bill either, with his debt. You seem to be looking for an easy life (understandable) but unattainable with this man. A rebound is a common occurrence but I don't think you should settle on this man because he could just be your minds "get out of jail card" from your husband.

Your husband clearly doesn't make you happy. Leave if you are unhappy. This boyfriend doesn't live up to your expectations so don't think he's the perfect option for your easy life. Your options could comprise of: honesty with your husband and working on your marriage, divorcing and acknowledging there will be a change and new settlement of your financial status or carry on with both you and your husband having secret affairs for the sake of having fun all day.

Glasshalffull-stockton-on-tees Says:
Dear Julie,

It strikes me that what you are looking for is a meal ticket, and neither your husband or boyfriend fits that bill. Because what I don't see is that you have any real feelings for the men in your life and you barely even mention your child. You don't mention how a divorce would affect your child or even if your boyfriend wants to play daddy.

Everything would be perfect for you, if only hubby earned oodles of money, or at least enough to support you in the lifestyle you want to become accustomed to. Then you could do what you want without having to take any responsibility for yourself.

I presume that you must have some redeeming features, or why would anyone marry you. After all in this day and age, no one has to get married.. there are plenty of women who choose to have children without benefit of having a partner to share the parenting duties.

You don't say whether your husband knows about your boyfriend, so I presume not. I would guess that you are keeping him in reserve, till you make up your mind about ending your marriage.

Okay, well here is a reality check:

1. Plenty of couples going through a divorce still have to live together, because financially it cannot be done until the house is sold and the mortgage paid off.
2. There is this thing called negative equity. That means that your house is worth less than what you paid. This mean that both you and your husband will have to find the money to still pay that mortgage. Which would require you to get a job, whether you are together or not.
3. But even if the divorce goes through, it isn't a foregone conclusion that you will get custody of your child.. a judge might come to the conclusion your husband makes a better parent.
4. While I don't know where you are from, I am presuming the USA, some judges don't like the mother co-habiting with a man who isn't her husband with her child who is not of that relationship. Very draconian I know! This would be an instance where you could lose custody.
5. Your husband would still be entitled to visitation rights or even have joint custody of your child. So don't think you can write him out of the picture completely. Being gay isn't illegal.
6. Living with someone who is constantly in debt and won't look for a job isn't a good idea. Especially if he is looking for a meal ticket. And if you don't look out, hde could run up debts in your name, which would make you responsible.. you really don't want this guy in your life, no matter if he gives you a good time.

In the event that I am completely wrong about you, and you do want to make your marriage work, then you really need to dump your boyfriend. You could also suggest to your husband that you think you both need to see a marriage guidance counsellor. If that isn't an option, then perhaps you could get a friend that you both trust and respect, to help you both through this difficult time. It shouldn't be a family member. There is of course Samaritans, which has the added advantage that you don't have to give your own name.

If you decide that you want a divorce, then you must come clean with your husband. It might be a good idea to have a friend there, to help diffuse the situation. Make sure that your child is with a relative or a friend. It isn't that I think your husband would be violent. But he is bound to be upset. Especially if this is a complete surprise to him you will both need to get lawyers and go through the painful process of getting a divorce. And it is painful and costly.

Julie, you will at some point have to get a job, whether you like it or not. Your soon-to-be ex-husband might not earn enough to pay child support and alimony. So it is best that you look to the future as to how you might earn a living. As to whether, you would make a good agony aunt, you need to look at the qualities that you might need. Which is basically, empathy, sympathy and common sense, and the ability to express yourself.

But there are other jobs you can do from home. If you have office skills, you could be a virtual secretary or a bookkeeper. In the event that you don't have those skills, then now is a good time to check out your local (adult education/ community) college. Or look at reputable online courses. You know you might actually enjoy it! Some charities give work experience, which can be vital, when competing for jobs.

There are of course couples that are in similar situations to yourself. Quite a few choose to stay together, albeit separate bedrooms. But they keep their lovelives apart from the family home If you think you can live with that arrangement, then it might be something that could work, at least for a few years. Or maybe longer if there is genuine affection.

Whatever you choose to do, please try to do it with compassion, dignity and self-respect, I hope you find happiness going forward.

Emily Says:
Hi Julie,

Thank you for writing to us.

I appreciate you are going through a large amount of life changes, all at once. This can be a very overwhelming experience so I am grateful that you have decided to reach out for support, which can sometimes be the hardest part. You have come to the right place to get information from those with experience and have been employed by Beth to provide the best advice possible.

You must know that your husband is also going through a very complicated period in his life. Maybe he struggles to discuss this topic with you because he is confused within himself, and trying to find out who he is and who he feels attracted to as an individual. You must give him as much time as he needs throughout this process. As confronting as it can be, you may find it beneficial to mention that you saw these messages to him, and see what his response is. Honesty and communication is key in any relationship. Unfortunately you are engaging in the same amount of distrust by also seeing someone else. Maybe talking this over is your only way to a solution.

I am sorry to hear that you never felt comfortable within your relationship with your husband and felt the need to stay together because of your pregnancy. Sometimes a child can bring a couple closer together and help them see eye to eye as parents, so I appreciate you giving this a try.

I can imagine how hard it would be to go from being a stay at home mother to having to approach full time work. My advice with this would be to start looking for flexible or at home working. This will also be easier as your child gets older and starts full time school during the day. Often the earlier years of childhood is when children require the most support and attention, you can be grateful for the time you have been at home with your child the past three years.

Just because you are not into work now, may mean you have not yet found the perfect job to suit you. Think about your hobbies and interests and how these may connect to a job you could apply for. Also, there are many people starting their own businesses these days, which could be another route if you have any product ideas and you may be able to seek investment for. This may not even feel like work. If you feel you may have a psychic calling, this is something you may also be able to explore.

Your boyfriend sounds like he also lacks the same passion and motivation for work, and would also benefit from finding something that fits his needs. He also needs to sort out his debt before it increases and becomes more uncontrollable. However, it is just as important to focus on you and yourself in this, and not allow his debts and concerns to get in the way of you finding a job and mothering your child.

I hope that I have been able to provide some answers and advice to support you going forward. I wish you all the best

- Aquablue287 London, UK